“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
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One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Bless you
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did