just gave my 5yo power of attorney
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I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.