me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
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So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh