I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
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I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
How it started How it’s going
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Only short people can save us
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie