so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
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me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.