*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
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I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.