[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
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My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point