It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
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Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”