They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
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good let them take over I have had enough
These are my roll models.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.