I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
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Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Unexpected Judgment
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
One venti cheeseburger please.