Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
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I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.