Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
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If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.