if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
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[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.