It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
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*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement