Death certificates are our last participation award.
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since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient