I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
This is Sparta
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
What do you hear?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.