The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
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I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.