If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
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Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q