Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
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Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Simple
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.