ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
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Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
any last words?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My work here is done
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.