It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
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my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Plant care tips
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon: