I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
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[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
the council will decide your fate
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha