[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
You Might Also Like
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
This January has 47 Mondays
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.