My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
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Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.