Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
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I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.