As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real