saw this in a dream
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Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
smh
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
This is true.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.