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I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?