Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
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It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.