The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
You Might Also Like
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*