Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
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Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.