My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
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ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
me and the Superbowl rn
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Lmao the reply
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!