Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
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Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
This was my dad’s browser history.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
smartest karate player in the world
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.