Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
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Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean