Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
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Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.