My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
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A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Speak now or ever hold your peace
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Money is the root of all wealth
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.