how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
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Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.