Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
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After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Best spot.. 😅
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……