A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
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I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.