If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
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What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.