We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
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Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.