it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
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Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Real House Wines.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
calling in to work dehydrated
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure