“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
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Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Flock of bats
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.