Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
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Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Beauty and the Beast
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to