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People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
wtf management?!
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Bless you
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.