A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
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If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”