I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
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we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I’M CRYINGGG