[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I thought this was funny lol
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.