Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
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My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning