DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
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Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.